This year is a bit more special to me though. About 5+ years ago, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was caught early and the plan was to remove a portion of my kidney and the tumor attached to it. I should have been back to work in 8 weeks and healed up. Well.....things did not go as planned and instead, I embarked on a 6 month trip through hell. I survived by the grace of God. Yes, I survived.....but things were changed both physically, emotionally and mentally.
Instead of being self-confident, bold and plunging head-first into life, I was hesitant. Instead of planning for the future, I was trying to live through the present. Instead of dreaming and envisioning what could be, I was thankful that I was alive and was looking forward to the present day. Instead of having the outlook of "I can do whatever I set my mind to do", I now had the outlook of "I'm thankful to be alive, but I'm not sure I can physically do these things any longer". Yes......things had changed greatly for me!! For the very first time in my life, I doubted myself and my ability to do what I wanted to do....indeed, doubted being able to do things I had always been able to do in the past! This was uncertain territory for me and it was territory that I didn't quite know how to navigate.
The healing finally began. Did it happen in 8 weeks? NO! Did it happen in 8 months? Another no. Other health issues developed from the trauma my body had been through during that 6 month ordeal. Diabetes, then Rheumatoid Arthritis came onto the scene for me. Again, more changes in my ability to do and function like I wanted to do. I truly think my mind felt a bit defeated and my heart/zest for life began to give up just a little bit. My soul still struggled onward though and while I tried to get back to being "me", I just couldn't quite get there. I was hanging on to the "old" version of me and not accepting what the "new" me was.
Then I had the opportunity to travel with my husband on a work trip for him, to Hawaii last fall! The trip was planned for the weeks around Thanksgiving. I was nervous about the long travel time to even get there (20+ hours for us) and the extended flight times. My body stiffens up horribly with extended car trips and I couldn't imagine having to walk and hurry to catch connecting flights at the airports! In the past, I had travelled a lot and this was nothing.....now....I knew it would be a struggle. I was also nervous about doing a lot of walking for sight-seeing. Again in the past, no big deal and our vacations had always been jam packed with go-go-go things! Now.....a few hours and I knew I would be done in, plus knew I'd have to rest the next day to recoup. So, a lot of changes in how I/we approached this vacation were going to have to happen and I just wasn't sure I could accept those changes. I approached the trip with a lot of worry and not with the joy that I should have felt.
The time came and the trip was made. Yes, there were some challenges and we (my husband and I both) learned from them. In the future we WILL have to make some longer transfer time allowances, etc for flights. I planned outings to allow me the restful periods that I needed. I even took a leap of faith and went on a horseback trail ride, to explore some of the countryside! I wanted to do the 3 hour trip, but instead chose the 1 hour and thoroughly enjoyed it plus didn't suffer from joint pain either! All in all, a great trip and a great learning experience AND a renewed belief in myself!
Since returning home from that trip, I've felt more alive. I've actually allowed myself to dream about the future again and start to plan for future projects that I would like to accomplish. I started to train and work one of our young half arabians on a regular basis and I am ABLE to SAFELY work with him now. He's a little on the "hot" side and I had been fearful that I wouldn't be agile enough to get out of his way if need be. Once I began to believe in myself again (while still being mindful about his space and my escape routes!), I was able to just "do" and wasn't paralyzed with fear.
Yes, paralyzed! Did I realize that I was paralyzed all those years? NO! I didn't actually feel fear, but my mind and body were frozen with it anyway. My heart and soul were fighting against it and I believe that's why I felt unrest in myself. They were trying to tell me to not give up and to move forward. Once I let go of that self doubt, my true healing began!
I was speaking to a good friend the other day, who is much younger than me. She had been injured badly in a horseback riding accident a couple of years ago. She's doing great now, but she too, had to fight to overcome her own fear of life afterwards! She and I are sort of at the same point in our mental healing.....we're realizing it's our own selves that have been holding us back, after the physical healing had occurred. While we compared notes, we found that once we both had acknowledged this, we were both able to begin to move forward and were able to work the horses again in comfort. Were we the same as before? No. But we have to realize that life and living goes on for us.....it's just a bit changed....and that's absolutely OK!!
Just because we aren't able to do things exactly like we always have, or we don't look at things like we always have, it's OK! Change is OK. Don't quit living, just because you can't physically do what you did in the past. Make adjustments and make a few changes and remember to ENJOY and DO what your heart desires!! Don't dwell on the abilities lost, but rejoice in what abilities you still have! Don't dwell on the "can't do's", but concentrate on the "can do's"!
I thought I was doing this, but apparently I was not believing in myself fully! Now that I can, watch out world! I'm back and I feel good! Until next month's blog, take care and plan for a fabulous spring! Remember, live your life the way that YOU want to live it.....not how others tell you to live it!
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| Our saddlebred stallion, Flash, and myself. He was "under the influence" for some dental work and I was just embracing the moment! It's OK to be goofy....don't let anyone tell you that it's not! |
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